The Descendants

I had originally thought the absolute worse film of this year (2011) was Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Like I stated, that film lacked every ingredient a film would need to be even halfway decent. Well after what I was just subjected to, Pirates has some serious competition. The movie is called The Descendants and it stars George Clooney who plays Matt King. Matt is your average, middle aged, run of the mill lawyer living on one of the islands off of Hawaii. He's the father of two incredibly disrespectful daughters and the husband to a wife who is currently in a coma. This god awful film will take away at least an hour and a half out of your life that you will regret giving up, I assure you.

Now George has had some vanity projects before (see Solaris) but this one takes the cake. He is virtually almost every shot in this film. If you like George and you think he's hot then you should definitely see this movie. Not only is he in damn near every shot but his close-ups are SO close at times that you can see his pores. Directed by Alexander Payne, the man behind the camera of such disturbing yet likable fares like Sideways and About Schmidt, The Descendants doesn't seem to know what story it wants to tell so it falls completely flat.

It doesn't know if it wants to tell the story of how an absentee father now tasked with the job of raising two daughters alone copes with that responsibility. It doesn't know if it wants to tell the story of how the descendants of King Kamehameha are in line to sell a huge chunk of land on one of the islands to some developers and how Matt has the final say over who they sell too. It doesn't know if it wants to tell the story of a grieving husband who finds out from his oldest daughter that his wife was cheating on him and was about to ask him for a divorce before some tragic boating accident put her in a coma. This movies doesn't know if it wants to be a comedy or a drama and because of it's lack of direction this movie has some severe lack of impact on you the viewer.

Also starring in Clooney's vanity project are Shailene Woodley who plays his oldest daughter Alexander King, Amara Miller who plays the younger daughter Scottie King, Patricia Hastie who does no acting at all. She just layed around on set playing the comatose wife and mother. You see her only once doing something in this movie and that was in the absolute beginning of the movie, even before Clooney's voice over begins. Oh you thought I was joking when I called this one of Clooney's biggest vanity projects. Not only is he in every shot but he speaks throughout the film as well. The rest of the cast in this complete waste of time isn't really important.

The movie opens up with the cheating wife in a boat and that fades out and then you hear George before seeing him. He talks about how people who don't know any better think that living in Hawaii is paradise and how living there must be great. As if the cancer on Hawaii and the surrounding islands isn't as fatal and the heartbreak isn't as painful. He goes on to say "fuck paradise" and YET paradise is pretty much all you see for the rest of the movie. I don't know how hard it is to make Hawaii and it's neighboring islands look less like paradise but if you open up with "fuck paradise" and then that's all you show, how is anyone going to take you seriously?

The music is annoying at times unless you like Hawaiian music and can understand the language. It's way too much ukulele and moaning if you ask me which detracts from the drama and doesn't add to the comedy or something like that. This movie was touted as an Oscar contender and was believed to bring Clooney his second Oscar but this film is garbage and if he even gets nominated, let alone beat out Leonardo Dicaprio then there is something seriously rotten in Denmark. I wish I knew what movie those people went to see because it sounds like a good one. They certainly didn't see THIS one.

Do yourselves a favor and act like this movie doesn't even exist, you'll be doing yourself a favor and saving an hour and a half of your life.

J. Edgar

Okay, a few blog entrees ago I mentioned that a certain actress should win the Oscar for best female performance in a major motion picture. I am here to tell you that while I really didn't like J. Edgar, if DiCaprio doesn't win best male performance then someone was paid off. Seriously, you don't realize how freakishly talented Leo is as an actor until you've seen him portray the maniacal, paranoid, egotistical, closeted gay, coward that was J. Edgar Hoover. Directed by Clint Eastwood, the ONLY reason to see this film is for Leo and if I had a vote in who walks away with the golden statue, it would be him. He carried this disjointed excuse of a movie from beginning to end and does an outstanding job.

Starring alongside Leo is Naomi Watts who plays Helen Gandy, Hoover's extremely loyal right hand and personal secretary. Dame Judi Dench plays Anna Marie Hoover, the overbearing and over nurturing mother of J. Edgar. Geoff Pierson stars as Mitchell Palmer, the man who gave Hoover his start, and Armie Hammer as Clyde Tolson, the one true love of Hoover's life. It is truly an impressive cast but they were all undone by the way this movie jumps all over the place. One moment Hoover is a young and eager patriot hunting down the Bolshevik threat to America and the next he's an old germaphobic man with liver spots. There is very little in the way of character development for anyone in this film and that includes Hoover himself. Written by the Oscar award winning writer Dustin Lance Black who won for Milk, I'll just say J. Edgar wasn't his best work.

But wait, maybe it wasn't Dustin's fault. Maybe the fault lies squarely with the director. I have never really been a fan of Eastwood's movie making even though I did enjoy his Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, Unforgiven, and Million Dollar Baby films. The issue though has always been his penchant for a sever lack of color which makes his films look almost black and white and the pacing. His films at times can put an insomniac to sleep. So maybe Dustin wrote a phenomenal linear screenplay, rife with provocative word play and serious character development and Clint decided to cut it all out. Maybe Clint chose to forgo Dustin's straight ahead story telling and decided to take us the viewer on a trip through time, zig zagging back and forth through eras because he thought that showed just what an artist he was. Or was he hiding Dustin's shortcomings? Who's to say? All I know is that the incessant back and forth through time disappointed rather than impressed.

What did impress me though, other than Leo were the suits. The clothes were sharp and worn extremely well. Everything from the hats to the shoes, this was a handsome film and Emmy award winning costume designer Deborah Hopper should be in the conversation for Oscar consideration, in my humble opinion of course. Scored by Eastwood, the music was sparse yet intense which is rare for him. The movies he's scored in the past have all had sweet melodic themes but lacked any vigor or intensity until now. Not worthy of going out and buying the score but it was a job well done.

I just wish I could say that about the film itself. I would pass on J. Edgar and see something else unless you are a fan of history. Even then though I dare say you would walk out disappointed as the credits rolled. The only saving grace is Leo so on that note, on a scale if one to four I give J. Edgar one and a half junior G-Men badges. I'll see you at the theater.

Immortals

Okay, so let me get this straight. There was a war in the heavens and the victors called themselves Gods and the defeated were called Titans. The Gods vanquished the Titans to some cage in the bottom of some mountain for all eternity and the only thing on the planet that could set the Titans free was the mystical and powerful Epirus bow that fell from the heavens during the war. If I got that right then that is the premise for the new movie Immortals by Tarsem Singh. Now if that name doesn't sound familiar or ring any bells then maybe that's because this truly expensive film is just Tarsem's third. His first was that off the wall and horrendously bad Jennifer Lopez vanity project entitled The Cell. I skipped his second offering, The Fall because of The Cell but Immortals for some reason intrigued me, so I went.

Was I entertained? Delighted? Pleasantly surprised? No. Was I impressed with the 3D? Yes. This movie is one to skip and I will explain why. First off the look of this stylized yet completely forgettable film is a blatant rip off of 300 (which might be because the producers of 300 backed this movie). It wouldn't surprise me one bit of some of the sets in this movie, wait what am I talking about, movies today don't have sets they have green screens. Well it wouldn't surprise me if some of the rejected visualizations for 300 made it into this movie, they look THAT similar. Secondly, the acting is just god awful. And that includes the two time Oscar nominated John Hurt. Mickey Rourke, while never really being classified as a good actor EVER (if you don't count his turn in The Wrestler) looks bored out of his mind as the evil King Hyperion who is searching for said mighty bow.

Rounding out the rest of the cast is Henry Cavill who plays Theseus, the man tasked to round up mankind and fight against Hyperion's hordes. Then there's the love interest because you KNEW there had to be a love interest, right? That's played by the ethereally beautiful Frida Pinto who is the oracle Phaedra. Now while Frida looks stunning for all the world to see and even though the cameras love her, she slept walked through this movie. She did a better acting job in Slumdog Millionaire and was borderline decent in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. There is a Stephen Dorf sighting by the way. I don't know who he bribed or slept with to get casted but there he was, on the screen without a HINT of an accent by the way. Lastly Luke Evans plays Zeus and I have to admit that he stole the movie in my eyes (not that it was all that hard to do really). When he was on screen, he was magnetic and blew everyone else into the background pretty much as someone portraying Zeus should in my opinion.

The fight scenes were impressive but come on, what did you expect from the producers of 300? Though I am growing tired of all the profile fight scenes. You know the ones, where the hero move steadily ahead through the throng of bad guys coming at him and he disposes of them one, maybe two, sometimes three at a time in slow motion. Yet all the while he (or she, see Watchmen) never slows down or takes a backward step and the camera shoots all this from the side view. Guys, try something new, okay?

The film is pretty to look at and the CG work (in 3D no less) is impressive. The score, supplied by Trevor Morris who is behind the music of The Tudors and Pillars of the Earth was decent. I can't say it's on the level of a John Williams or a Hans Zimmer, it's not even on the level of a Steve Jablonski but it's nice ear candy at times. It's not run right home and download it (unless you can for free) but it's not bad. What's bad is this movie and I recommend you skip it and wait for your neighborhood DVD bootleg guy to get it from instead of dropping almost $20 on a ticket to see it in the theaters. If you do see it though, don't say I didn't warn you :-)

Drive

If you like anything about Michael Mann and his style of movie making then you will love the new movie Drive. Starring the new hot kid on the block right now, Ryan Gosling and directed by Nicolas Winding Refn, Drive is an ode to those 80's movies like Michael Mann's Thief and Gary Sherman's classic Vice Squad. Coming off his violent last film Valhalla Rising starring Mads Mikkelsen it seems Nicolas went in a completely different direction and studied those films I mentioned earlier. It seems like he also read and fell in love with the novel of the same name by James Sallis who also co-wrote the screenplay. Now when I saw the trailer and commercials for this film I thought this was a remake of Walter Hill's classic The Driver starring Ryan O'Neil and Bruce Dern. I love that movie so I was very interested in seeing Drive. Well let's just say this movie is no remake.

Now along for the ride with Gosling is a pretty damn talented cast. Playing the possible love interest is Carey Mulligan from Wall Street II playing Winnie Gekko, Gordon's daughter. There's also a psychopathic turn by Ron Perlman, a seriously unfunny Albert Brooks, and a sympathetic Bryan Cranston. Drive also stars Christina Hendricks, Oscar Isaac, and if you were wondering whatever happened to Russ Tamblyn from West Side Story fame, well he turns up here as Doc. Now in my opinion that's a collection of talented actors which takes this movie to another level. The story is a simple story and really not much to work with but the performances are fantastic.

Also what's so fantastic about this film is the look of it. The cinematography of Newton Thomas Sigel gives this movie the look of that other Michael Mann classic Heat. Intense close-ups, vivid colors, amazingly beautiful aerial shots, and a handful of slow motion shots gives the film a Heat like atmosphere. There's also a touch of David Lynch thrown in for good measure and if you like Lynch and you see this movie you'll know his influences when you see them.

The story follows our un-named part time stunt driver, part time mechanic, and part time getaway driver through his life. It starts off with his repeated line "If I drive for you, you give me a time and a place. I give you a five-minute window, anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours no matter what. I don't sit in while you're running it down; I don't carry a gun... I drive". That's just what he does, drive and the movie opens showing you just how well he does that. He's a loner and seemingly detached from the world around him until the world around him smiles in his direction. His neighbor Irene and her young son Benicio enter into the drivers world and suddenly he feels a connection with someone other than his boss Shannon played by Bryan Cranston.

Unfortunately the sexual tension that exists between the driver and Irene has to be put on hold when her husband gets released from prison. Once that happens the movie shifts gears and gets decidedly violent. Standard, played by Oscar Isaac is indebted to those that kept him safe behind bars and they want him to repay his debt by pulling a job for them. His decline brings him an vicious beating in front of his son and is told that they will kill his family should he say no again. His son is given the gift of a bullet and was told not to lose it by one of those that beat his dad. The driver feels compelled to help him in order to make sure everyone survives. Of course that doesn't happen.

This film also comes complete with Jan Hammer musical flourishes. The score by Cliff Martinez harkens back to the days of Miami Vice (just like the font used for the credits). The pop songs sound like they are straight from the 80's as well. I seriously think once this movie has left the theaters it will become a cult classic. Now if you didn't like Heat and were never a Miami Vice or a Michael Mann fan then you probably won't like this movie. If you are though then I highly recommend it. Enjoy it and I'll see you at the theater.

Circumstance

Circumstance is a beautiful movie about a love in a society that would not allow it under any, well circumstances. Written and directed by Maryam Keshavarz, helming her first full length feature film, Circumstance is a good film though disjointed at times. It may lose you at some points as you try to figure what's going on and where the characters are in the story. You'll feel disconnected from the story but not the performances which hold this movie together in amazing ways.

The first thing you'll notice is the unbelievable beauty of the co-leading actresses Nikohl Boosheri who plays Atafeh and Sarah Kazemy who plays Shireen. Then you would not believe this is the first time either of them has ever done any acting. They seemed so at ease in front of the camera, especially with some of the scenes these young ladies were asked to pull off. For that you have to credit the director and Maryam apparently created a very comfortable set. The ladies are joined by Reza Sixo Safai who plays Mehran, the brother of Shireen who comes home fresh off a stint from rehab.

Atafeh and Shireen are schoolmates, best friends, and without a doubt are in love with each other in a world where that is so not allowed. They could be killed for how they feel about each other and there are times during the movie where you fear for the young ladies lives. While they play with fire, Mehran is coming to grips of his spirituality at his local Mosque. It is there where he finds a spiritual guide and it couldn't have been a more detrimental move to the friendship of Atafeh and Shireen's friendship.

In a society where the men have ALL the power and what they command must be obeyed the woman live in constant fear but it's not just them. The youth are also constantly watched and spied upon by the "Morality Police" and it's that division of the police force that arrests the girls who have left one of the many underground parties that seemingly happen all over Iran. It's this moment plus Mehran taking full advantage of this opportunity that takes the final act of this movie into the realm of heartbreak. It also forces one young lady to make a decision about her future and where she should live her life.

The music by Gingger Shankar, while no newcomer to being involved with movie scores herself is forgettable. That could be due however to the love story unfolding in front of you. That being said, there are other moments during the film where a really good score could have made a powerful impact. The ball was dropped on that front sadly. There wasn't much to see as far as scenery goes either but that's not why you choose this movie to see. You choose this movie to move you, to open your eyes, to make you realize just how good you have it, to realize just how lucky you are. We are all lucky that Maryam Keshavarz got the chance to make her film. I for one recommend it highly and I'll see you at the theater.

Colombiana

Anyone who knows anything about Luc Besson knows he's a man that loves automatic weapons and stealth like killers. He's also fond of portly white men posing as bad guys, I don't know why. I guess he likes the image of them on the screen begging for their lives but I digress. In the case of his latest production Colombiana starring the incredibly talented and beautiful Zoe Saldana as Cataleya Restrepo you get not only automatic weapons, stealth like killers, and portly white men but you also get Zoe in a body suit. You also get her in various states of undress so if you're going to see this movie because she's in almost every frame of the movie then you won't be disappointed.

Directed by Olivier Megaton who is helming his second English speaking film, his first was Transporter 3 does a pretty good job. Though I would say if the lead was portrayed by anyone other than Zoe, this movie falls completely apart. The story, written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen is weak at best and I think they knew that which is why producer Luc Besson sought out Zoe Saldana to be in this movie. He apparently felt she was the only one that could pull this off and he was dead right. Not only is she the action star but the emotional core of the film, that which you can gleam from the trailer for the movie. Zoe was not the only great casting coup of this film though. Along with Zoe there's the very capable and talented Lennie James who plays Special Agent Ross. Cliff Curtis, Jordi Molla, Max Martini, and Michael Vartan help rounds out the cast. The real surprise though, the true find is Amandla Stenberg who plays young Cataleya. Be prepared to see a lot more of this young girl because she is very talented.

Young Cataleya sees her beloved mother and father murdered in front of her by her fathers ex-employer. Her father was a hit man who did the "wet" work for the big bad guy whose name you never really get. He sends his second in command Marco played by Jordi and almost a platoon of men to wipe out the entire family including the dog. Father and Mother along with their security teamed are laid to waste but not before Cataleya's father gives her a way to get out of Colombia and where to go once she gets to America. Marco fails to kill Cataleya and she makes it to the warm confines of her uncle's embrace played by Cliff Curtis who's Spanish accent can sometimes bring to mind Pacino's Scarface. She then explains what she wants to do with her life and her Uncle Emilio obliges her after a hilarious conversation in front of Cataleya's new elementary school.

She then grows up into a very lethal and efficient hit person who gets work from her Uncle. When she's not working for him though she finds and eliminates men who either had a hand in her parents death or who may have done work with the man responsible for her parents murder. On their stomachs she draws a picture of the cataleya orchid where her name comes from. She also knows she needs to keep her walls up and does so with her love interest if you can call him that. Danny Delany played by Michael Vartan and Cataleya are more like bed buddies than anything else. They are both damaged people who either don't know how to love or is willing to open up to love. So it makes you wonder how these two ever got together in the first place. Danny does something that puts her in danger it amps the movie up into a breakneck pace. If you are a fan of The Professional, another Luc Besson film then you will love this movie.

This movie is hyper edited by Camille Delamarre almost to the point of inducing a seizure at certain points so be prepared. The score done by Nathaniel Mechaly was decent at times but generic and almost utterly forgettable overall. The cinematography is nicely done, especially early on in the film as it tracks a foot chase through the favelas of Colombia. The movie on a whole though is hollow, at least I found it such. Maybe you'll feel differently when you check it out. When you do, I'll see you at the theater!

Conan The Barbarian

Do NOT waste your money! I will repeat that for you. Do NOT waste your money for this movie is definitely not worth seeing in the theaters and quite possibly should be avoided on DVD. There is nothing fun, charming, or remotely entertaining about this movie which was very disappointing. I have to admit that after seeing his impressive turn in Game of Thrones as Khal Drogo, I was eager to see Jason Momoa inhabit the role that Arnold made famous. While Jason was the best thing about this god awful movie, his portrayal as Conan was not good. I blame director Marcus Nispel entirely for that though, him and the horrible story (and whenever there are four or more writers credited that's usually a bad thing).

Going I should have tempered my excitement once I saw the movies Nispel has directed in his career. He was the man responsible for the remakes of Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and that horrid Pathfinder movie so I don't really know why he was given the reigns to revitalize the Conan name. I was hoping against hope that this movie would impress me in some small way if not overall and it didn't. Along for this ride with Jason Momoa is Stephen Lang, Ron Perlman, Rachel Nichols, and Rose McGowan who seems to be making a comeback though I wouldn't add this role to the resume.

The first Conan which had Arnold going up against James Earl Jones as the mighty Thulsa Doom had a little bit of everything. It had action, humor, charm, and a pretty good story. In Arnold's Conan, young Conan was taken and sold to slavers and it showed how he grew to a massive man and how he honed his fighting skills. There's none of that here. In this Conan, young Conan's village is wiped out because his father hid a piece of some mystical mask that could turn a man into a god. The mask was broken up into pieces when the Barbarians rose up and were victorious against the first mask wearer. This time around Stephen Lang is out to put the mask back together so he could bring his witch wife back from the dead. They find the piece and leave young Conan behind and alive when they ride out which makes absolutely no sense. You leave the son of the Barbarian King alive so he can spend his entire life dreaming about revenge? Makes no sense to me.

On top of needing to put the mask back together Stephen Lang's Khalar Zym needs a "pureblood" to fuel the mask. The sends him and his hordes on a quest to find a certain young lady who they can cut open and have bleed into the mask. That young woman would be Tamara played by Rachel Nichols who just so happens to be Conans predictable romantic interest. Now maybe this movie is better in 3D (though I doubt it) but in 2D if it doesn't have you wondering when this movie will ever end then maybe it's me (though I doubt that too). The score done by Tyler Bates is good but it's dragged down by the images it's married to. Like I said earlier, do NOT waste your money on this movie and if you do do not say I didn't warn you and I'll see you at the theater.