Conan The Barbarian

Do NOT waste your money! I will repeat that for you. Do NOT waste your money for this movie is definitely not worth seeing in the theaters and quite possibly should be avoided on DVD. There is nothing fun, charming, or remotely entertaining about this movie which was very disappointing. I have to admit that after seeing his impressive turn in Game of Thrones as Khal Drogo, I was eager to see Jason Momoa inhabit the role that Arnold made famous. While Jason was the best thing about this god awful movie, his portrayal as Conan was not good. I blame director Marcus Nispel entirely for that though, him and the horrible story (and whenever there are four or more writers credited that's usually a bad thing).

Going I should have tempered my excitement once I saw the movies Nispel has directed in his career. He was the man responsible for the remakes of Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and that horrid Pathfinder movie so I don't really know why he was given the reigns to revitalize the Conan name. I was hoping against hope that this movie would impress me in some small way if not overall and it didn't. Along for this ride with Jason Momoa is Stephen Lang, Ron Perlman, Rachel Nichols, and Rose McGowan who seems to be making a comeback though I wouldn't add this role to the resume.

The first Conan which had Arnold going up against James Earl Jones as the mighty Thulsa Doom had a little bit of everything. It had action, humor, charm, and a pretty good story. In Arnold's Conan, young Conan was taken and sold to slavers and it showed how he grew to a massive man and how he honed his fighting skills. There's none of that here. In this Conan, young Conan's village is wiped out because his father hid a piece of some mystical mask that could turn a man into a god. The mask was broken up into pieces when the Barbarians rose up and were victorious against the first mask wearer. This time around Stephen Lang is out to put the mask back together so he could bring his witch wife back from the dead. They find the piece and leave young Conan behind and alive when they ride out which makes absolutely no sense. You leave the son of the Barbarian King alive so he can spend his entire life dreaming about revenge? Makes no sense to me.

On top of needing to put the mask back together Stephen Lang's Khalar Zym needs a "pureblood" to fuel the mask. The sends him and his hordes on a quest to find a certain young lady who they can cut open and have bleed into the mask. That young woman would be Tamara played by Rachel Nichols who just so happens to be Conans predictable romantic interest. Now maybe this movie is better in 3D (though I doubt it) but in 2D if it doesn't have you wondering when this movie will ever end then maybe it's me (though I doubt that too). The score done by Tyler Bates is good but it's dragged down by the images it's married to. Like I said earlier, do NOT waste your money on this movie and if you do do not say I didn't warn you and I'll see you at the theater.