The Descendants

I had originally thought the absolute worse film of this year (2011) was Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Like I stated, that film lacked every ingredient a film would need to be even halfway decent. Well after what I was just subjected to, Pirates has some serious competition. The movie is called The Descendants and it stars George Clooney who plays Matt King. Matt is your average, middle aged, run of the mill lawyer living on one of the islands off of Hawaii. He's the father of two incredibly disrespectful daughters and the husband to a wife who is currently in a coma. This god awful film will take away at least an hour and a half out of your life that you will regret giving up, I assure you.

Now George has had some vanity projects before (see Solaris) but this one takes the cake. He is virtually almost every shot in this film. If you like George and you think he's hot then you should definitely see this movie. Not only is he in damn near every shot but his close-ups are SO close at times that you can see his pores. Directed by Alexander Payne, the man behind the camera of such disturbing yet likable fares like Sideways and About Schmidt, The Descendants doesn't seem to know what story it wants to tell so it falls completely flat.

It doesn't know if it wants to tell the story of how an absentee father now tasked with the job of raising two daughters alone copes with that responsibility. It doesn't know if it wants to tell the story of how the descendants of King Kamehameha are in line to sell a huge chunk of land on one of the islands to some developers and how Matt has the final say over who they sell too. It doesn't know if it wants to tell the story of a grieving husband who finds out from his oldest daughter that his wife was cheating on him and was about to ask him for a divorce before some tragic boating accident put her in a coma. This movies doesn't know if it wants to be a comedy or a drama and because of it's lack of direction this movie has some severe lack of impact on you the viewer.

Also starring in Clooney's vanity project are Shailene Woodley who plays his oldest daughter Alexander King, Amara Miller who plays the younger daughter Scottie King, Patricia Hastie who does no acting at all. She just layed around on set playing the comatose wife and mother. You see her only once doing something in this movie and that was in the absolute beginning of the movie, even before Clooney's voice over begins. Oh you thought I was joking when I called this one of Clooney's biggest vanity projects. Not only is he in every shot but he speaks throughout the film as well. The rest of the cast in this complete waste of time isn't really important.

The movie opens up with the cheating wife in a boat and that fades out and then you hear George before seeing him. He talks about how people who don't know any better think that living in Hawaii is paradise and how living there must be great. As if the cancer on Hawaii and the surrounding islands isn't as fatal and the heartbreak isn't as painful. He goes on to say "fuck paradise" and YET paradise is pretty much all you see for the rest of the movie. I don't know how hard it is to make Hawaii and it's neighboring islands look less like paradise but if you open up with "fuck paradise" and then that's all you show, how is anyone going to take you seriously?

The music is annoying at times unless you like Hawaiian music and can understand the language. It's way too much ukulele and moaning if you ask me which detracts from the drama and doesn't add to the comedy or something like that. This movie was touted as an Oscar contender and was believed to bring Clooney his second Oscar but this film is garbage and if he even gets nominated, let alone beat out Leonardo Dicaprio then there is something seriously rotten in Denmark. I wish I knew what movie those people went to see because it sounds like a good one. They certainly didn't see THIS one.

Do yourselves a favor and act like this movie doesn't even exist, you'll be doing yourself a favor and saving an hour and a half of your life.

J. Edgar

Okay, a few blog entrees ago I mentioned that a certain actress should win the Oscar for best female performance in a major motion picture. I am here to tell you that while I really didn't like J. Edgar, if DiCaprio doesn't win best male performance then someone was paid off. Seriously, you don't realize how freakishly talented Leo is as an actor until you've seen him portray the maniacal, paranoid, egotistical, closeted gay, coward that was J. Edgar Hoover. Directed by Clint Eastwood, the ONLY reason to see this film is for Leo and if I had a vote in who walks away with the golden statue, it would be him. He carried this disjointed excuse of a movie from beginning to end and does an outstanding job.

Starring alongside Leo is Naomi Watts who plays Helen Gandy, Hoover's extremely loyal right hand and personal secretary. Dame Judi Dench plays Anna Marie Hoover, the overbearing and over nurturing mother of J. Edgar. Geoff Pierson stars as Mitchell Palmer, the man who gave Hoover his start, and Armie Hammer as Clyde Tolson, the one true love of Hoover's life. It is truly an impressive cast but they were all undone by the way this movie jumps all over the place. One moment Hoover is a young and eager patriot hunting down the Bolshevik threat to America and the next he's an old germaphobic man with liver spots. There is very little in the way of character development for anyone in this film and that includes Hoover himself. Written by the Oscar award winning writer Dustin Lance Black who won for Milk, I'll just say J. Edgar wasn't his best work.

But wait, maybe it wasn't Dustin's fault. Maybe the fault lies squarely with the director. I have never really been a fan of Eastwood's movie making even though I did enjoy his Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, Unforgiven, and Million Dollar Baby films. The issue though has always been his penchant for a sever lack of color which makes his films look almost black and white and the pacing. His films at times can put an insomniac to sleep. So maybe Dustin wrote a phenomenal linear screenplay, rife with provocative word play and serious character development and Clint decided to cut it all out. Maybe Clint chose to forgo Dustin's straight ahead story telling and decided to take us the viewer on a trip through time, zig zagging back and forth through eras because he thought that showed just what an artist he was. Or was he hiding Dustin's shortcomings? Who's to say? All I know is that the incessant back and forth through time disappointed rather than impressed.

What did impress me though, other than Leo were the suits. The clothes were sharp and worn extremely well. Everything from the hats to the shoes, this was a handsome film and Emmy award winning costume designer Deborah Hopper should be in the conversation for Oscar consideration, in my humble opinion of course. Scored by Eastwood, the music was sparse yet intense which is rare for him. The movies he's scored in the past have all had sweet melodic themes but lacked any vigor or intensity until now. Not worthy of going out and buying the score but it was a job well done.

I just wish I could say that about the film itself. I would pass on J. Edgar and see something else unless you are a fan of history. Even then though I dare say you would walk out disappointed as the credits rolled. The only saving grace is Leo so on that note, on a scale if one to four I give J. Edgar one and a half junior G-Men badges. I'll see you at the theater.

Immortals

Okay, so let me get this straight. There was a war in the heavens and the victors called themselves Gods and the defeated were called Titans. The Gods vanquished the Titans to some cage in the bottom of some mountain for all eternity and the only thing on the planet that could set the Titans free was the mystical and powerful Epirus bow that fell from the heavens during the war. If I got that right then that is the premise for the new movie Immortals by Tarsem Singh. Now if that name doesn't sound familiar or ring any bells then maybe that's because this truly expensive film is just Tarsem's third. His first was that off the wall and horrendously bad Jennifer Lopez vanity project entitled The Cell. I skipped his second offering, The Fall because of The Cell but Immortals for some reason intrigued me, so I went.

Was I entertained? Delighted? Pleasantly surprised? No. Was I impressed with the 3D? Yes. This movie is one to skip and I will explain why. First off the look of this stylized yet completely forgettable film is a blatant rip off of 300 (which might be because the producers of 300 backed this movie). It wouldn't surprise me one bit of some of the sets in this movie, wait what am I talking about, movies today don't have sets they have green screens. Well it wouldn't surprise me if some of the rejected visualizations for 300 made it into this movie, they look THAT similar. Secondly, the acting is just god awful. And that includes the two time Oscar nominated John Hurt. Mickey Rourke, while never really being classified as a good actor EVER (if you don't count his turn in The Wrestler) looks bored out of his mind as the evil King Hyperion who is searching for said mighty bow.

Rounding out the rest of the cast is Henry Cavill who plays Theseus, the man tasked to round up mankind and fight against Hyperion's hordes. Then there's the love interest because you KNEW there had to be a love interest, right? That's played by the ethereally beautiful Frida Pinto who is the oracle Phaedra. Now while Frida looks stunning for all the world to see and even though the cameras love her, she slept walked through this movie. She did a better acting job in Slumdog Millionaire and was borderline decent in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. There is a Stephen Dorf sighting by the way. I don't know who he bribed or slept with to get casted but there he was, on the screen without a HINT of an accent by the way. Lastly Luke Evans plays Zeus and I have to admit that he stole the movie in my eyes (not that it was all that hard to do really). When he was on screen, he was magnetic and blew everyone else into the background pretty much as someone portraying Zeus should in my opinion.

The fight scenes were impressive but come on, what did you expect from the producers of 300? Though I am growing tired of all the profile fight scenes. You know the ones, where the hero move steadily ahead through the throng of bad guys coming at him and he disposes of them one, maybe two, sometimes three at a time in slow motion. Yet all the while he (or she, see Watchmen) never slows down or takes a backward step and the camera shoots all this from the side view. Guys, try something new, okay?

The film is pretty to look at and the CG work (in 3D no less) is impressive. The score, supplied by Trevor Morris who is behind the music of The Tudors and Pillars of the Earth was decent. I can't say it's on the level of a John Williams or a Hans Zimmer, it's not even on the level of a Steve Jablonski but it's nice ear candy at times. It's not run right home and download it (unless you can for free) but it's not bad. What's bad is this movie and I recommend you skip it and wait for your neighborhood DVD bootleg guy to get it from instead of dropping almost $20 on a ticket to see it in the theaters. If you do see it though, don't say I didn't warn you :-)