G. I. Joe: Retaliation

G. I Joe: Retaliation, the latest movie from director Jon M. Chu is an assault on the fucking senses, and NOT in a good way. This movie is crass, loud, and outright ridiculous at times. While it is a far better movie than it's predecessor, G. I. Joe: Rise of Cobra which isn't saying much, this movie might have the ability to cause seizures. It makes little to no sense, is all over the place, and has some of the most absurd sequences ever before seen. Because of all that, I give G. I. Joe: Retaliation one bucket of Killer Korn.



Before you even ask, I snuck into this film. There was no way on this green earth was I paying to see this movie, sorry. And even seeing it for FREE didn't make it any better. Now that I got that out of the way, if you saw the first lame GI Joe movie you remember that Cobra Commander was captured  but his right hand man took the place of the President, which unfortunately set up the sequel. Cobra wanted to take the world hostage the first time around and the only thing that stood in their way were the Joe's. Guess what, yep you guessed it, it's the very same story line this time around. Except this time the US Government has labeled the Joe's as an enemy of the state for killing an ambassador and set out to kill them all.

Unlike the first GI Joe movie which starred an amazing bunch of horrible actors, this movie stars and amazing bunch of high paid decent actors, acting horribly. There's Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock playing Roadblock, Adrianne Palicki playing Jaye, Channing Tatum reprising his role as Duke, Ray Stevenson as Firefly, Johnathan Pryce as the President, and Bruce Willis as General Joe Colton (who is apparently extremely fearful of his suburban neighbors). This movie was a complete waste of theirs and everybody else who was in it time. It was a revenge movie strictly and the Joe's, wanting to clear their name realize the only way to do that is to get to the fake President, remove him and place the real one back in power. It was mighty convenient of the President to hold a summit meeting with the leaders of the world in of all places, lovely South Carolina.

That's it, that's the story. I mean there are other plot lines that run parallel to the main one but they aren't really worth mentioning. What is worth mentioning are the visuals. The jump cuts, the slow motion, the massive amounts of explosives, they are all possibly seizure inducing. Not to mention the magical way equipment appeared out of nowhere or how a number of evil satellites made it into orbit (I'm still scratching my head behind that one). Honestly, there is not much more to say about G. I. Joe:Retaliation other than to say this is a movie worth skipping and if you see it, don't say you weren't warned. See something else if you don't want your intelligence insulted and your brain rattled, and I'll see you at the theater.