50 Shades of Grey

50 Shades of Grey, the latest film from director Sam Taylor-Johnson is one of the biggest wastes of time I have spent in a movie theater in quite some time. I'm sure it's not the worse piece of garbage I have ever seen but it's damn close. I give it a kernel.















50 Shades is one of the most unoriginal movies to come down the pike in a long time and that's saying something when you consider the landscape of films Hollywood has been releasing lately (I won't even mention the films that are slated for release later this year). If you have seen The Thomas Crown Affair remake with Pierce Brosnan, Twilight, and 9 1/2 Weeks then you've seen 50 Shades Of Grey, with the exception of some kinky sex of course. And speaking of the kinky sex, it gets old quickly here, like super quickly. Both Christian Grey played woodenly by Jamie Dornan and Anastasia played annoyingly by Dakota Johnson keep taking their clothes off as if they look so amazingly good undressed, and they do not. There is nothing special about either one of these people unclothed. Sam overshot on that aspect and undershot on everything else.

There was no chemistry between Christian and Anastasia and had Christian behaved the way he had with anyone other than Anastasia she would have labeled him a psycho stalker and called the police. I got NO sense that one was remotely interested in the other. There was no passion, no fire, no heat, no sleepless nights laying in bed and fantasizing what they would do to each other. On the contrary, little mousie Anastasia was saving herself for the right man. How she figured the creepy stalker dude was the right man is absolutely beyond me. Once she's no longer a virgin she starts feeling her way and becomes more confident, she wants to know what it's like to play in Christians "play room" and once she does she seems alright with it. Then suddenly when Christian chooses not to open up to Ana about something and wants to punish her, she allows it only to rebuke him at the end which makes no damn sense at all.

50 Shades goes for a very modern, glass and steel kind of look which renders the movie entirely without personality. I have heard the books written by E. L. James are much the same. The storyline is ridiculous and the acting is atrocious by all involved and that includes Oscar award winner Marcia Gay Harden and Christian's mother. It honestly feels like a Twilight knock-off and Twilight was a far better film (if you can believe that). I can't imagine what the mood on the set was halfway through the filming of this drivel but I'd be shocked to hear if it was positive. Danny Elfman wasted his prodigious talents on scoring this film. He came up with something that was serviceable but I can't see anyone wanting to buy the score. If I were you and you have a satisfying sex life then skip this hot mess of a movie and spend your money on renting The Thomas Crown Affair, or doing something else, ANYTHING else and I'll see you at the theater.