Monday, August 4, 2014

Spoiler Time: Guardians of the Galaxy

What's up Kornheads? It's that time again. Time for me to reveal all the questions that this movie inspired that really have no answers. This one will be short and sweet, I promise. Really, so go grab something to drink or get a snack and enjoy the ride. I should have added brief to that ride thing. If you haven't seen the movie yet, maybe reading this will discourage you to do so. SAVE YOUR MONEY people. Seriously, put that shit right back in your pocket and keep it moving!


Guardians of the Galaxy clearly indicates the time of directors paying their dues or making their bones is over. As indicated in my review of this movie, I stated director James Gunn has never directed a film that was profitable. That his only claim to fame, and the film that may have gotten him this gig was a movie called Slither that lost money. He wrote Slither and Super, another movie that lost money along with a few of other films that he didn't direct. He penned the Scooby-Doo movies which were successes at the box office so of course he was pegged to not just direct but write Guardians. Now I always thought that only weather forecasters were the only people that could be wrong or off 80% of the time and keep their jobs. I was wrong.

Guardians starts off with a very young Peter Quill being kidnapped from earth. Seemingly long before the Kevin Bacon Footloose movie was released. I say that because all the music on his cassette tape that he had on him when he's kidnapped are from the late 70's early 80's. Footloose was released in 1984 and since we aren't given a year as to when Peter was taken how would he know ANYTHING about that movie or who in the hell Kevin Bacon is? Is he watching Hollywood movies on the other side of the galaxy? No explanation, you're just supposed to buy that plot hole.

The movie opens with him hot on the trail of a metallic orb. He has no idea what it does or what it contains and he seems to be the only one looking for it. As he dances across a path that leads to the orb he acts as if no one else knows about this thing until later in the movie do you see that EVERYONE gives a damn about it. So then how is Peter the first to arrive on the scene and get his hands on the orb before everyone else? That's never explained, you're just supposed to buy yet another plot hole.

I'm guessing, based on his musical equipment that plays human cassette tapes on his ship that he may have been back to earth. That would be the only logical explanation as to why his Walkman still works. Those things only worked on AA batteries so Peter must have a shit load of Duracell batteries in the hold of his ship somewhere. While he's here getting batteries, is he going to the movies? None of this makes ANY sense and yet you're just supposed to accept this little earth nostalgia stuff as charming.

Glenn Close aka Nova Prime signs a peace treaty with the Krull, getting what they wanted while calling for a cease fire between the two forces and yet when Ronan is on his way to destroy her world, she reaches out to her enemy to help her fight Ronan. Why in the world would she expect any help from her sworn enemy? It's that same reasoning I suppose that causes The Collector's assistant to touch the stone after he explains the destructive power of said stone, thereby obliterating her and destroying his shop.

And lastly (see, told ya...brief), how in the hell does Peter know what a dance off is? Or even what dancing is? He's been on the other side of the galaxy for twenty years. I would assume "dancing" is what humans call that action, not the rest of the galaxy. I would think it would be called something else someWHERE else, or am I mistaken? I won't mention the fact that everyone speaks PERFECT English either, complete with colloquialisms and sarcasm. I know it's a comic book blah blah blah, does that mean you get to be lazy and not put a creative spin on the movie? Nor will I mention the racial thing either, why beat a dead although somewhat significant horse?

I have heard this movie referred to as a "space opera". If this were ANY kind of opera, the diva would have been yanked off the stage and beaten with wet loaves of bread. Oh, and Rocket steals the movie. Later Kornheads!    





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