Red 2

Red 2, the latest movie from director Dean Parisot is an unexciting movie with with very little thrills and truly boring action. In other words, it's vapid. There is no need for thought on the audiences part at all and where the first Red was somewhat charming, this movie is just ridiculous. I hope this is the last one they make of these because Red 3 will most assuredly be worse than Red 2 and that's why I give it a half a bucket of Killer Korn.











I didn't see Red in the theaters, there I said it. I didn't see it mainly because I thought it was a dumb looking movie, so please do not ask me why I saw Red 2. I have no answers and I am so filled with shame that I contemplated seppeku, so save that question. The original Red was directed by Robert Schwentke. He probably would have directed the sequel, but he was off making that horrible R.I.P.D. movie, so the producers went out and hired TV director Dean Parisot. The last feature length film Dean did was the critically panned Fun With Dick and Jane with Jim Carrey back in 2005. Since then he's directed nothing but TV. It was like he was banished to the minor leagues for Dick and Jane. Well someone needed a director and gave him a call to see if he was interested in getting back into the big leagues, to direct a movie with Bruce Willis who plays Frank, John Malkovich who plays Marvin, Helen Mirren who plays Victoria, and Mary-Louise Parker who plays Sarah. My only guess is he jumped at the chance.    

Never mind how bad the script is or how stupid the story is, right Dean? Hey, the next time someone comes calling and wants you to direct their movie, take a look at the script first and resist that temptation to just say yes. I say that because I don't know how anyone who read this script, written by Jon and Erich Hoeber thought this sounded like a solid story and one that would surely entertain. It seems because of that, the producers brought in bigger talent to help cover up the stench. Sir Anthony Hopkins has been added to the cast this time around. He plays mad scientist and creator of red mercury, Doctor Edward Bailey. Neal McDonough plays operative and psycho patriot, Jack Horton. Byung-hun Lee, fresh off his G.I Joe fame plays Han Cho Bai, the world's deadliest contract killer. And the cherry on this bland sundae is Catherine Zeta Jones who plays Katja, Frank's Russian counterpart and one time fling.

All this talent is wasted however because the story is complete garbage. Marvin approaches Frank at a Costco and tells him they're coming for him and that they need to go. Frank tells Marvin that he's retired and happy and wants to keep it that way. After a funeral, Frank is approached by some guys with badges and a three letter acronym (take your pick there), and he's taken into custody. There Frank encounters a horde of gunmen all with automatic weapons and explosives and escapes virtually unharmed. Then MI6 gets involved and they also want Frank dead, so they hire Victoria to do the job, she calls Frank to let him know what's up. All the governments want information on Night Shade and they think Frank has it. Frank and Marvin find out what it is from some guy named The Frog, played by David Thewlis (who is probably wishing there was another Harry Potter film in the works). The find out that they need to see Doctor Bailey who has been on I.C.E., which means Incarcerated, Cannot Execute, for thirty something years by MI6.

This movie is flat out stupid, boring, and devoid of any thrills. It might as well been put on TV since the violence is extremely tame. The main problem with it is you know this merry band of misfits WILL succeed. No matter what happens, no matter how bad things look (and they never look bad) you know there is no failure in their future and that's what keeps this movie from ever getting off the ground. There's nothing nail biting about this movie which makes it "ho-hum". If they killed Frank or Marvin, if the bad guy get's away with Night Shade, if Sarah got killed which would send Frank into a dark place and have him come out shooting, this would have been a far better movie but none of that happens. The bad guys die, the good guys win, and the world is saved....ho-hum, seen that a million times. Call me when you have something new.

The production budget for Red 2 was $84 million dollars, add to that the marketing budget and this was a $100 million dollar movie. As of this moment, it has only made $25 million at the box office. So there is hope that there won't be a Red 3, which is a good thing because the story lines are weak and the characters are old and tired. The producers have just about squeezed all the could have out of this franchise, it's time to let it go and move on. I don't think I need to tell you to skip this movie, looks like you already have so you are learning grasshopper :) I'll see you at the theater.